right from where i left off, about 2 odd months ago.

time has passed by so fast and yet i appear to be the same

no matter how much i tel myself inwardly i should change

i know exactly why you are upset

and i wish i proved you wrong

but yet i would go on ahead and do something silly again

and yet again, i should say sorry

i should have realized by now, apologies are for people

who do not repeat their mistakes.

and i repeated it too many times, one too many

i know i am capable of more

but why i short change myself,

i cant answer.

far from being arrogant,

i know if i set my mind to it

i can do it

this, i have to do

instead of letting my flaws overtake me and outshine me and befuddle me

i have to let my strengths overwhelm me and never, my flaws

day to day basis.

for those, who are surprised to see an entry after months,

i dusted off a whole load of self reflection,

realized i been putting my priorities and energies in thy wrong places 

it takes a moment to commit a mistake

a year of harping on it

and a lifetime to forget.

i need to undo all those mistakes now.

in for a long hurdle. 

HEYLO WORLD!

i am BACK!

i have been a busy busy woman and its been nothing short but eventful for me, the past few weeks

and i have missed church a few times but today i went back, and listening to pastor how preach, i realize how simple life really is.

and i realize, no matter how much i seem to think that it isnt for me and maybe i made a mistake, i am lying to myself.

this is me, my calling and where i feel most at ease at and with peace.

jesus, i love you :)

thank you for accepting me in your life, bless me and open up my heart to all of your goodness and greatness

and dear god, i love you too.

I am not someone who can perform well under pressure, i feel.

I am someone who gets agitated easily, little things at the spur of thy moment, really can unsettle me and I would think its the end of the world.

If my confidence has taken a beating, I would further crumble.

All of these has happened to me in the past few days.

But I gotta take stock of the things around me and chill.

I know I can do it.

I know I am capable.

Prove my worth.

Prove it.

Take a deep breath and chill, you can do it.

If it is something I suck at, I am going to put my best foot forward.

ps: stop sending me mixed signals.

you tell me its ok to ask and clarify, then you turn around and shoot me for not knowing it well and clarifying with someone below me

because of one or two hiccups, you choose to entirely ask me whats wrong instead of letting it go and enouraging me to work harder

asking seems wrong, not asking seems wrong too

doing it my way is wrong, learning from thy mistake sincerely and wanting to do it better is wrong too, cos i got shot down unfairly by you.

i remember all you say

its time i wrote it down

dont wanna be shot down, thy next time

I am not perfect

I am terribly flawed, I am aware

But when I make a conscious effort to change, please recipocrate and help me along

Do not crumble my confidence further.

I CAN DO IT.

It’s probably to do with the fact that i am not well. It’s probably to do with the fact that I am just in a whiny mood. But right now, I wish my G was by my side.